You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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