i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
