last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
