What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
