no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
