I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
