roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
