guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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