I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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