Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
