she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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