when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.