Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy