just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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