I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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