Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize