just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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