I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
