i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
