If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
