it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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