I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
