:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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