So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
