I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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