they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
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His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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