I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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