You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
