I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Did I show you my penis last night?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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