my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
