Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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