went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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