my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
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All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
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What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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