Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
