tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
