even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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