Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
