I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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