I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
