I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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