the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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