I wish I could teleport
dude i'm inner monologue high
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
