Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
