Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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