Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
