Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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