I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
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