I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
