i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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