Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize