I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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