We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
