I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
