I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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