My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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