I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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