Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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