Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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